By Diana's blog | October 09, 2010 at 03:45 PM EDT | 1 comment
Do you ever find yourself wondering what would have happened if you had chosen differently? What if I had taken another job? Another school? Another city? Never had kids? Had fewer kids? Had more kids - OK not that one.
Lately, I find myself fantasizing about how things could have been different. Sure, I only think of the great aspects of these choices - not other missed opportunities. What if I had stayed in Manhattan, never had kids and led the life of a career woman. I would be rich by now. I would not have to pay only portions of each bill every month to make sure that while not being late, I am also never quite caught up. I would have been thinner, had better clothes and been inundated with cultural activities. Sure, if I followed through this fantasy, i might have still been working in the World Trade Center on 9/11. But lets not get too picky.
I think about the years I stayed home with my kids. All those years of stress and hair pulling and for what? For teenage years of fresh mouth and lamenting about how I don't do enough for them. I could have been earning a nice salary and received the same ungrateful attitude.
Oh, and the travel i missed! Having four kids brings a lot of joy, but it doesn't allow for a lot of travel. Six plane tickets - yeah right. Everything is built for families of four. Hotel rooms, rental cars, vacation packages. It is an ordeal for us to travel by car a few hours away.
Yes - I am well aware that the realities of these situations would not be so rosy. Perhaps I would be lonely with a fab city life (unlikely) or jealous of my friends with kids. Maybe I would feel like I missed out on my kids milestones if I had worked full time (not so much after the first kid) and I'm sure schlepping through Europe with kids is not the same as a honeymoon (but I'd like to find out for myself).
I think I need some rose colored wine to go with my rose colored glasses.
I\'m glad you didn\'t end this post saying how fabulous your kids are and how they are worth all of it. Of course, they are, but it\'s good to vent. I am often guilty of thinking about the road I didn\'t take - why I quit my job after my first child was born, why I had my second child so close in age to my first, why I didn\'t get my Masters earlier (so I wouldn\'t have to be studying with young children in the house like I\'m now having to do). However, I know I can\'t change the past and have to work on making the present and future the best I can. Dwelling isn\'t going to get me anywhere.