It seems that I am stuck in this paradox where I feel like no one hears what I say, and yet I am held accountable for things that others think I said. Clearly, at home no one listens to a single thing I say. No matter how many times I ask a question, I rarely seem to get an answer. I can ask my kids twenty times if they did their homework and get no response. But if I mumble that I would consider taking them to a water park at some point this summer, I am held to that because "I promised".
If I try and turn the tables to say "what about your promise to do your homework" I get the response of "that's different." It's as if a panel of experts convened to create the most frustrating scenario known to man kind and gave my children intense training on how to implement it.
Other places in life, you have to watch what you say. I learned the hard way never to say anything remotely negative or that could be construed as negative in a mommy group. Even if it's warranted, you will still be punished for saying it. For example, two years ago when a crazy mother called ahead to a field trip I was on with my child and told the director of the nature camp to watch out for me, I thought that was pretty crazy and inappropriate. But the response I got from some of the other mothers when I mentioned it was that "I don't want to take sides". I wasn't trying to amass a coalition of mothers to put a question on the ballot of whether or not this woman was crazy, I just wanted someone to say "wow, that was extreme. I'm sorry you had to deal with that". No such luck.
After my cross country move, I have not tried very hard to make a new group of friends. I still have an aftertaste of the tension and stress associated with having to map out all the social angles. I need someone I can just relax and be myself with. Until I find my new peeps, I am very content to not deal with the social pressures of the social circles.
Anyway, I guess that means that I am using my quiet, rather than my voice, to be more selective and care less about the opinions of people whom I don't enjoy. In a way, it is very empowering to make that decision and not pursue a new group. It is an uncomfortable feeling to pursue others. I feel like I am trying out for a sorority and hoping that people vote me in. I have evolved to just hanging out in the student union and seeing if there is anyone whom I want to hang out with.
I'm not sure how I got so far away from the topic of where is my voice, but I'm sure you will figure it ou.
This is way better than a brick mortar esbstliahment.